5 Douchebags You Must Avoid
Signs: He spends more time getting ready than an extra in Pirates of the Caribbean. His wingmen go by nicknames that sound like either discarded Street Fighter characters or DJs at a sketchy club you can’t decide which.
Why He’s a Douche: There’s nothing natural about him. Pickup artists hide their true nature behind a veneer of calculated faux confidence of sets and routines and parlor tricks passed down from other lonely, insecure guys. Does it work? Sure, maybe for a night, if you’re lucky, and all you ever want is a one night stand. Neil Strauss scored Britney’s number with this stuff, so yeah, we get it. But women eventually wise up. The playbook thins out, the truth bares itself, and that’s usually when the relationship fizzles and you wind up reading her drunken posts about the lack of “nice guys” in the world. You’ve seen those po tiffanys sts, and you hate them. This guy is the reason why they exist. (Instead of making the move, wait for her to show your these Subtle Signs She’s Into You.)
Your Move: Look. You don’t need all that jewelry, or those light up LED jeans, or tarot cards, to leave a la tiffanys sting impression. You’re better than that. From now on, do as Don Draper would do. Distill your playbook down to one page: Look her in the eye. Say hello. Introduce yourself. And for God’s sake, use your real name.
Signs: He’d yawn if you told him Scarlett Johansson slithered into your bed last night wearing nothing but a whipped cream bikini. He’d roll his eyes if you said Mick Jagger offered to play a private show in your living room. He’d mock your manhood endlessly if he caught you renti tiffanys ng The Notebook which, okay, you’d deserve.
Why He’s a Douche: This guy isn’t just your average ball buster, which we all need from time to time. Rather than celebrate your good fortune, his instinct is to quell it with a toxic gumbo of irony and disdain. And that’s worse for your health than you might think. For one thing, negative thoughts can actually hurt your immune system, making you more prone to sickness, according to researchers at the University of Wisconsin Madison. (While you’re not being a douche, you might as well help your brain. Try these 27 Ways to Boost Your Brainpower.)
Your Move: Fight irony with earnestness. Don’t apologize for what makes you happy. Guys like this feed off your shame and embarrassment but unflinching confidence works like kryptonite against their jaded worldview. Celebrate your accomplishments unabashedly, and watch him retreat into the darkness. Or just tell him that he tiffanys ‘s being, well, kind of a dick.
Why He’s a Douche: In case it wasn’t clear, he doesn’t really care about helping you. He’s more concerned with establishing his alpha male superiority in the most alpha environment of all. He wants to own the gym, and make his musculus deltoideus your center of gravity. Most of his advice is worthless, especially to the newcomer. The truth is, you don’t even really need to be in the gym with this guy if you follow this amazing Outdoor Workout.
Why He’s a Douche: On his best days, he’s like a less charming version of Barney Stinson loud, restless, and hard to please. On his worst, he’s The Situation insulting, belligerent, and probably headed for rehab. He suffers from a distinctly 21st century anxiety he just wants every night to be legendary, as Barney himself once said. Unfortunately, he confuses “legendary” not with bungee jumping or starting a mariachi band, but with being supremely messed up pretty much all the time. And he’s never fully satisfied until you’re staggering home by his side at closing time. Plus, this guy probably isn’t smart enough to try these Best Summer Beers.
Why He’s a Douche: He’s the male Cinderella. The new glass slipper is an Italian loafer. Much like the pickup artist, he’s all about appearances, only he lacks the income to support his destructive spending habits. His philosophy? Fake it till you make it, baby. Maybe he’s watched too much Entourage whatever the reason, he’s addicted to the feeling of power, influence, and quasi fame that washes over people when they set foot inside the VIP lounge, and he’ll do whatever it takes to maintain it. (You can become your own cash cow if you master these Strategies for Making Money.)